Choices
by Urooj
Summary: Betrayed by many, left to fend for herself, Natsuki Kruger stuggles through many trials and tirbulations. The question is, how long can she last before she decides to cut herself off from those who claim to be near her?
1. Chapter 1

Choices

By Urooj

Hmm, my first attempt at a Mai Otome/Hime fanfic. Let me tell you and warn you all from now, the characters are totally Out of Character. So please bear that in mind. This fanfic is a basic Shiznat, yet not so Shiznat like, and a side MaiNatsuki.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

They say jealousy is a destructive force that can destroy a relationship. I wholeheartedly agree. Though you can't blame me, especially since I want attention from my crimson- eyed former pearl. Especially since we don't have so much time together.

Shizuru, the newest addition to the column, has always been sent out for business. From battling monsters to acting as a mediator in the affairs of countries. She comes when she **can,** and she leaves when she **wants** too. Her emotionless facade is always there, so it has always been hard for me to tell what exactly is going on with her. Or maybe it's because I'm so in love with her, that I can't tell what she's feeling because my emotions put me in a turmoil.

As of now, I am sitting here, waiting for her to return. She told me she would return back **here** in about two hours, yet it's been five hours since she has left, with no sign of return. I sighed. This always happens. It's so normal, that I just expect this. Waiting for her, like an obedient puppy. The only logical thing to do is go back to my room, and rest. Hopefully Mai would cheer me up.

"Natsuki" A gruff voice called out. I turned, just hoping it would be Shizuru, but of course not. My eyes meet violet eyes, and I know exactly who this is.

"Haruka-onee-sama." I nod towards her, and then finally take notice upon her companion.

"Chrysant-sama" I nod towards her, with acknowledgement. Both of them are under an umbrella, in this pouring cold weather. Haruka's gruff voice breaks free once more.

"Looks like Viola left her puppy heir..."

"Here Haruka, not heir" Haruka blinked. I could only try to suppress my laughter with learned training. Bad habits die hard.

Chrysant-sama then shakes her head and looks at me.

"Natsuki-chan should go inside, especially since it is raining so hard. You are already soaked and as I can tell, very close to catching a cold." I smile at her concern, feeling somewhat warmed in this cold weather. Yet my heart is cold.

"Thank you Chrysant-sama, but I will wait only a few more minutes before I head inside."

"C'mon Yukino. This dog won't budge until it sees its master." Haruka looks at me with indifference, but I can tell there is concern behind those eyes. Chrysant-sama smiles and nods.

"Good luck Natsuki-chan." So I watch both of them part away, and wait for a while longer.

* * *

It's been like this for as long as I can remember. Myself, waiting for Shizuru. Though it seemed in the beginning she was more eager to spend time with me, now it seems more like god's mercy if I can get a decent time to talk with her.

I look around my room, changing into something warm.

"Mai's not here..." I dully noted. A small pang of jealousy surfaces forMai, as I had noticed, her and Shizuru are actually getting **closer**, and seem to be able to spend more time together. It is mostly due to the fact that Mai was asked by the Gakuenchou to follow the third column around. Another reason the two were getting closer, was because of me.

Yes, Shizuru and I fight. Of course we have a difference of opinions and our own bickering. Especially considering that we are complete opposites of each other. She's more of a tea-drinking person, yet I am more of a biker girl. With nothing in common to bind us, I've wondered what exactly caused me to ask her to go out with me. And Mai seems to always be there to comfort...someone. No, she's not there to comfort me any more, although I can see her try to comfort myself. She comforts Shizuru, and tries to show me the error of my ways. For once though, I wish Mai would mind her own business. What happens between me and Shizuru should be talked between us. After all, if Shizuru can mediate affairs of countries, then why can't she handle arguments?

The door opens, and I peer at it curiously, hearing such familiar voices.

It can't be.

But it is. It's Mai, following behind her, is my one and only Shizuru.

One and only my ass.

"Natsuki! I'm so sorry, I took so long..." I zoned out. I couldn't stand it. My heart was at my feet so heavy, and there was this burning sensation in the pits of my stomach.

"Actually, it was my fault Natsuki; Shizuru here helped me out with..." I couldn't stand it. She made me wait for six hours in the soaking rain, only so she could help Mai? Just how important is Mai to you Shizuru that you couldn't even call?

My hands shook, tightened in a fist. What the fuck was going on?

I calmed my body before any of the two could notice. I smiled. Oddly, I'm becoming more of a Shizuru than I could have imagined. This was bad right?

"And so we came here."

"I see." I say, looking any where but at Shizuru. She knows, she would know.

"Since Shizuru-onee-sama is here, why don't we sit down and have tea?" I nod, and turn around to make tea. The two sit on the bed and start small talk. Swiftly I serve tea and sat down, watching them. I occasionally said something briefly in the conversation, but watched them afar. **I had actually said something right? Even though it was brief I was acknowledged five minutes after those two were done with their current talk.** The two of them seemed to get along so well. I hate it. I hate it so much. How can those two get along so well? Why can't Shizuru and I spend time like that so? I can tell my jealousy is getting to me. My thoughts are becoming irrational. I can hear their laughter, it's driving me crazy. Right now, I don't want any of them, Shizuru or Mai. Their both pissing me off.

"Well that was eventful, wasn't it Mai-chan?"

"Yes Shizuru-onee-sama! We've gotten so close, isn't that great Natsuki?"

**We've gotten so close, isn't that great Natsuki?**

**We've gotten so close, isn't that great Natsuki?**

**We've gotten so close, isn't that great Natsuki?**

That phrase just kept repeating and it wouldn't stop! No matter what I did, all that I kept in, burst. The lid popped.

"That's enough, both of you." I whispered harshly tightening my grip on my teacup. My body trembled. I was so mad.

The laughter stopped. All eyes on me.

"I've had enough of you two, getting so close." I glared at Shizuru.

"You've always kept me waiting. I've hated that. It seems so hard for you to spend time with me!" I yelled. My eyes stung. I wouldn't cry. Not in front of them.

"And you Mai! What kind of friend are you? You know my feelings for Shizuru. You watch us spend so less time together, yet you get to spend more time with her! How can you flaunt such a fact so carelessly! Saying such "We've gotten so close, isn't that great Natsuki", how the hell do you think I feel hearing that after standing in that fucking rain for 6 hours?"

They watched, dumbfounded at me. I hated this feeling. So close to crying. But they wouldn't see me. So I ran out, running towards to door. Before I could reach it, someone caught my hand.

"Natsuki..." Shizuru whispered. Her face, her eyes had so much concern. So much emotion. So expressive. But I couldn't take it any more. I jerked my hand out and ran out, ignoring all the calls from Mai, and a pleading look from Shizuru.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Choices

By Urooj

Hmm, so what can I say for this chapter? It's not angst. Well, not completely. But this chapter has purely interactions between Mai and Natsuki. Let's see how they resolve it.

**Minera**: Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you like it

**Dream**: tehee, I've never really saw Otome, so I'm not sure how stuff goes on there. But I've got a general idea.

**Irene Domino**: I'm continuing onwards with reality. I had mentioned that previously that the next chapter up would be fictional, but I'm continuing with reality.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

I find it odd that I can run for this long. I mean, I'm on the verge of tears yet they won't wall, and still I can run this far, in such a small amount of time. I've entered the garden section; I think this is where the gazebos and flowers lie. I've always been amazed by them, and for some reason this force of nature gives me a certain calm feeling. Though it has rained, and it reeks of the sea, the flowers still look as beautiful as ever. I gaze at one flower, that has yet to bloom, but seems to have lost some petals while it was raining. Was this me? Yes it was. I walked over to the flower and touched it lightly.

"Are you in pain also?"

In response to my question, one of its petals fell down. How sad. It's trying so hard to bloom, yet its withering. I can give it protection from the rain, from the gusty winds, but for how long? And would I not expect anything in return? Of course I would! I want it to bloom! For my selfish reasons for it to bloom, I would give it protection. Aren't all humans like that?

I'm quite disgusted to be honest with this shallow world.

"Natsuki!!" I hear my name. Now whose voice is that?

"Natsuki!!" I hear running, heavy running.

"Natsuki!" It's Mai. What has she come here for? She runs towards me, and finally stops when in front of me resting her hands on her knees. The last person I want to see right now. Actually, this might not be such a bad idea. I'll talk to her now, to lighten my burden, and then Shizuru. I hope, by god's sake, that I can actually do this right.

"Mai..." I started it out. It's been almost I think two years or so, but Mai already has a boyfriend. Sergey was his name. We have talked quite often, and sometimes it was he who helped me understand Mai.

"Natsuki listen!"

"No Mai. You listen. To everything I have to say. How would you feel if I got extremely close to Sergey, yet you couldn't get close to him the way I would have?"

Mai winced.

"Pretty bad actually. But Natsuki...I have...so many connections with you that even Shizuru-onee-sama does not have yet."

I mused. Since when did Mai think of herself so highly that I would be referring to her, and not Shizuru? Well this was the pride that helped her get through tough times. Right now, I can tell what is going on in Mai's head. She probably thinks that this is about her. Think about something other than yourself, woman!

"Heh, yeah, you've got a lot of connections all right. Connections to Shizuru-onee-sama, that I don't seem to have. Especially the fact that you can comfort her quite well."

She looked at me, her eyes widening. Finally she understood, exactly what the fuck I'm talking about. I smiled inwardly relishing this look. At the same time, I've felt relieved. At least she finally gets it, I'm actually getting somewhere with someone. With Shizuru, it's an endless struggle. The beginning quarrels of the loved ones? Or perhaps the consequences of being opposites? No, it is our stubborn nature. We refuse to agree or understand one another. Compromise isn't even a word that seems to exist in our dictionary. Though I've never had trust issues, this actually might be. Maybe because we don't ask each other or tell each other what troubles us about one another. Instead, we use Mai here, to tell the other. Or so I've felt either of us do. But to be more honest, I've actually stopped doing that until recently. Maybe that's why our trust wasn't properly built. We were cowards not to tell one another about our issues against each other, and were not willing to listen, until one side got through. I suppose that's where we went wrong. So can we change that? Are Shizuru and myself willing to do that even with our rock-headed nature? I hope so. I'm so sick of this world.

I looked up at Mai's face again, it seemed something else also dawned her.

"Wait, Natsuki, you want Shizuru-onee-sama to tell you about her sexual fantasy..."

What! Where the hell did that come from?

"... and her bra size?"

Oh shit, I think a nosebleed is in order. I can feel it coming down. Damn it. I already know her bra size Mai...

"That's what I only did today!!"

My inner chibi just dropped dead at hearing that. Mai sometimes I wonder how you got so clueless. Though I must say it has to be my influence. Were you naturally like that?

I took in a deep breath. Maybe some things didn't get through to her.

"Mai" I say in a raspy voice, trying to still my anger. It got her attention, too.

"That. Is. Not. It" I say those words, spaced out so well, to emphasize each word. Mai looks at me, cautiously. It is only then that I notice her short orange hair was a bit messy from running, her pearl dress donned, yet a bit crumbled. It seems like she fell, though I won't ask how.

"It seems that Mai can do a better job at being a good friend to Shizuru-onee-sama, where as myself, I feel more that the best I can do is hurt her." I say it finally. The burning sensation erupts from my insides, and I hate this feeling. I want to gnaw at something. My teeth are clenched and so are my hands. I look down, to see them white.

"So Natsuki..." I hear her, but my head is still down, my gaze at my fist. "Are you jealous of me?"

I whip my face up quickly. Mai isn't smirking like she would when she teases me. No she is serious. Am I jealous? Perhaps. But of course, I should deny it, shouldn't? That is my instinctual answer.

"No! Well...maybe..." I mutter. I don't know. Am I jealous of seeing those two constantly together? I suppose so. But wouldn't anyone be if their significant other spent... or let me word it right. Their significant other got so well along with your best friend, yet you could never get so well along with them? Because I rack my brain out just to figure out if the next sentence I say to Shizuru isn't mean or anything that would hurt her? I wonder why I bother to try.

Mai smiled at my words.

"Natsuki-chan, if you want me to back off, I will..."

What? NO! I feel this panicking feeling rushing through my body. I don't want Mai and Shizuru to stop talking! Then Shizuru is going to be sad, least mention, upset and ask me what I told Mai. I don't want that. I don't want them to stop being such good friends. Ugh, such a complicated, shitty world.

"... After all, Shizuru-onee-sama, is your person." She says this with a hint of a teasing smile.

I blanched. But somewhere deep inside, I feel relieved. I mean, if I were to ask Mai to back off and allow me to spend time with Shizuru-onee-sama, she would. At such a thought, guilt surges through me. To ease my own selfish need, I would cut off a blooming friendship.

"No, don't do that Mai." She looks at me curiously.

"I...I don't want to be the one...to ruin a blooming friendship." I said with all honesty.

Mai smiled. She was about to talk, but I cut her off first.

"And second thing, is that whenever I am around you two, I feel ignored because I get delayed responses from both of you." Mai looked stupefied.

"Are you kidding me? When I answer to you, I give Shizuru-onee-sama delayed responses too. "

No, but you answer her right away. I have to wait until five minutes before I can actually get a response.

My brows furrowed, and I can tell my face was in a scowl.

"No, I'm not joking. Why the hell do you think I was so pissed?" I sit down on the ground, tired of standing.

Mai is thinking. Is she trying to reason with me after I had pointed out the obvious?

"You know, onee-sama never complained."

Mai, if you want to argue, you've picked a good day. But still because you are my best friend, it is only right, for me to actually explain this to you calmly.

"How often do you and onee-sama spend time together? How often Mai, do I and onee-sama spend time together?" I try so hard to keep my voice even. My teeth are gritted against one another.

Her face softens. I think I actually got through to her!

"I'm sorry." I finally got through to her! She finally understands. Relief courses through my body as I finally feel satisfied. I close my eyes and sigh. Finally feeling content. She hugs me, and I hug her back. I do wonder, if I were to admit defeat like that to Shizuru, would that make her feel better? Nay, she wouldn't want something fake. And recently, I'm actually heading to the direction of being a master of deceit.

"Natsuki, you know I love you more right?" My eyes shot out open. Calmly I relaxed myself. Mai's feelings for me have always been a bit complicated. I don't even want to get into that. Because even so, Mai has respected my decision and also my decision to date Shizuru. Hell, she's even supported me. The least I can do is show her kindness.

I smile and relax, trusting her. "Yes" I reply and totally relax myself. I sigh before I continue. "And I need to talk to onee-sama about making me wait." I smile slightly.

"You know, it's not you, I've been insecure about Shizuru, not because of her loyalty or any of that crap, but her feelings for me. She's not quite expressive." I say, thinking it was safe for me to finally relax.

I can feel Mai smile. "You know, she's doesn't express herself clearly to me, either."

My thoughts started to wonder. She doesn't? Then what exactly does she do? Or are you saying that to me just to comfort me? After all, you've told me she's thanked you for being honest to her, about me.

Mai continued onwards. "I'm not here to make onee-sama closer. I haven't done any real comforting to her."

I felt relieved. Her next question put me in the start of turmoil though.

"Shizuru-onee-sama, isn't expressive to you?"

I froze. No I've said she isn't. What? You want me to say it more clearly Mai?

"I'll take care of it." I say hurriedly. I don't want Mai to get involved.

"Natsuki... you can't ask or beg for it. It'll only come after you have Shizuru-onee-sama develop time."

I winced inwardly. She was right. Shizuru and I have so many fights. Our recent one was about a week ago, which she and I, well mostly she is trying to recuperate. After all, we have broken it off so many times. I knew this was a sign that our relationship shouldn't continue. Actually I've been told this too. Yet what caused me to ask her out so recently? And what had caused her to accept? Even though, I say it now, I already know what our answers are. As complicated as we are, the answers are, our pride will never allow us to admit it, but I know it. My reason is because I finally felt comfortable with her. That I actually started wanting her so much that it became unbearable.

"Look, the two of you came back from a ruined relationship... and because of the errors and mistakes, Shizuru-onee-sama cannot help it but to go extremely slow and thread cautiously."

I smiled inwardly. When Shizuru and I had started going out for the first time, I wanted to go slow because everything was new to me. In a way, I felt rushed, so rushed by her, that I had started resenting Shizuru. In the end, my resentment grew and I became mean to her. I think the best thing to do, was to try and forget about Shizuru, when we had finally broken it off about two months ago. That was the old me though. That's what I do. When things don't work, I forget, let go and start anew. Truth is I didn't want to let go of Shizuru. That I'm a coward. That forgetting is like me, running away. And Shizuru, she didn't deserve this shit. She wanted a friend, someone who could support her when she was down. Didn't you explain that to me, Mai? I think if I didn't like Shizuru in that way, things would be easier for me to see. But feelings and love were never easy.

"Yeah, I think I'm being impatient, which isn't like me."

"Or maybe it's just PMS" Mai teased. We both laughed. How comfortable.

"I'm sorry, Natsuki. I really am. I shouldn't have made you upset or made you jealous like that." I smile. It's okay Mai, I'm glad we talked. Mai hugged me tightly.

Now to deal with Shizuru.

But before that, Mai started talking about something else...

* * *

Getting back to my dorm, Shizuru wasn't there. Well there goes my idea to talk. But no worries, I'll catch her tomorrow, after a restful night.


	3. Chapter 3

Choices

By Urooj

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Morning approached quickly than I thought. It was annoying, to feel the sunshine rays on my face. Ugh, as warm as they are, they are too damn bright! I get up, rubbing my eye and looking at the other bed. Yes, we're pearls now. Even so we should have our own rooms' right? We will, soon, that is in a week, day or so we'll be shifted. The new corals will move in to our rooms. Wouldn't it be nostalgic for us, pearls, when we come here back to our own rooms?

Mai isn't here. I'm surprised she's up early.

After all this is a Sunday. Shouldn't she be snoozing off like usual? Shouldn't I be doing that? I should, but you see, there's a third column that I'd rather spend my time with, instead of sleeping around.

I look at the calendar. Something is circled...and wait...it's this Sunday! Ah I remember now. Mai had to leave for something but would be coming back in the afternoon. Good! For now, I guess I'll wait for Shizuru out, in our normal meeting place. It's seven in the morning, but here's the catch, Shizuru appears any time from seven onwards, and I'd hate to miss her. There was a time where I did miss her, because I overslept, and I couldn't see her until two in the afternoon. Not pleasant, I'll be the first to tell you. I berated myself for oversleeping. As much as I make sacrifices for her, I know Shizuru does make sacrifices for me. To acknowledge that to her, face to face, wouldn't be so bad, but appreciative, right? But it's the matter of pride, and telling a burden detail. Though we would appreciate each other more, so I suppose we should mention it right? I just hope Shizuru will allow me to explain myself to her, about my behaviour. Looking at the clock, I rush out, grabbing something on the way to eat.

* * *

It's eleven. I'm wondering, should I walk away or just wait a few more hours? This place is a bit of a forest area. I got to say though, it's private and I love that about it. There's this tree I love to climb, so whenever Shizuru appears, I quietly climb down that tree and surprise her. Wait, I think I see a flash of violet. Is that her? Yeah it is! Even now, my heartbeat rises when I see her. The excitement, I think does that to my heart. I was never a philosopher and I don't plan to go in depth now either.

"Hey" I say, inwardly smiling.

"Hey" She replies, softly, yet her face unreadable as ever.

"How are you?" Our normal ice breaker, akward easing question, and for me, just to get a measure of her mood.

"Fine" She replies fine...uh this means something's up with her.

"You?" Me? Oh, I feel good now that you're here.

"Good"

There is silence. Is there something on your mind Shizuru? Are you upset at me?

"Uh, what did you do today?" What exactly did she do today? Did something else also happen?

"A few paper work, dealing with Aries affairs..." Silence once again. But just to keep a conversation, I'll ask about the affairs.

"What happened in Aries?"

"Oh you know, Haruka? Yukino is her new master..." I see. Oh right! I saw them yesterday, I was wondering why the two were together. Actually to be honest, Haruka and Yukino were always close to each other, even when I was a coral, I had noticed that.

"I met Mai this morning" Oh really? Good to hear! Seems like she gave a farewell to someone at least. Couldn't she leave me a note? Meanie Mai.

"Actually she gave me a note, and said she had to be on her way..." I looked at Shizuru, puzzled. What? Why did she give you a note?

"What did she say?" I ask, dreading what is to come next. This can't be good, especially not from the way Shizuru is acting.

"She told me everything." She told you everything? What is everything?

"And what might everything be?" I don't want to sound intimidated. But with Shizuru sounding like that, I can only dread. Hell, I don't need this crap.

"About your behaviour yesterday." Did she now? I don't recall asking her too. Why the fuck is Mai meddling in my affairs? Who gave her the right to explain my actions to Shizuru? Shouldn't I explain it, because it was I who committed it? Ugh, this is where Mai comforts Shizuru. She explains to the third column, my own actions, and to top that, Shizuru actually believes her without asking me, my side. I should've just stayed in bed and never gotten out. Maybe later on, I'll crawl into a hole, and just shut myself from society.

"Natsuki" She calls my name, I don't like that tone. I look at her.

"How the hell did you get jealous?" Oh so she asked? Wait! She believes that I was jealous? So much for explaining from the start.

I turn away, how do I explain it to her? Calm down, and do this to the best of your ability. Shizuru would understand right?

"I just felt ignored...that's all." Not really, but it's hard to explain it to you.

"That's all? What do you mean that's all?" You ask. Shit, all right! Time to tell the whole story.

"See Shizuru, it's like this. I don't get to spend a lot of time with you. To me it seems we hardly get along with each other. We argue so often. But you and Mai seem to get along so well. Plus, you guys spend so much time together, doing missions and all. It's just that when I was getting delayed response, I got upset, so I took it all out and ran out, because I couldn't stay in the room. Plus, when I wait for you in the mornings I'm missing out on my own things I could do besides wait for you." I finish, quickly, trying to bring in everything that has so far bothered me. But I don't think Shizuru is listening, because she's mad. I doubt she listens to me when she's mad.

"Wait, wait, wait." I look up at her questioningly.

"When I quickly finish my paperwork or fight with Miss Maria just so I could come and spend time with you, that doesn't count now does it?" This isn't a contest. That you did this and I did this. Obviously it matters Shizuru, I was right. She isn't listening. She replied too quickly too.

"I never knew that." I say in my best calm voice. To be honest, all I want to do is tell her to fucking listen, because as much as I'm glad she does that for me, she completely ignored everything else I've said. Or maybe she's doing selective listening. Because she's not responding to my jealousy explanation.

"What? You think I have the liberty to come and go as I please, because I'm the third column?" Shizuru asks incredulously.

Not exactly Shizuru, but you show me you do. You do come on when you wish to, and you leave too. Sometimes I really hate waiting. As patient as I am, I'm loosing it. What if I'm not waiting there for you any more? What if I'm tired of waiting for you? What are you going to do?

Just because we're going out, doesn't mean I put up with all the bullshit being thrown at me. Still, I don't like hurting you, so I'll have to be kind to you.

"I thought so" I replied to her. And somewhere deep inside, though I answered the truth, I was hoping it would piss her off.

It's funny though, her expression. She looks a bit clueless but recovers. Bravo for the quick recovery, my lady.

"And if you get late replies, Mai isn't my only reason, it could be something else"

I wonder what exactly something else could be. Would the affairs of other countries be bothering you so much, Amnethyst, that you would ignore the person you claim to love?

"I see" I say, not willing to comment on it. It would only create an argument.

"See, things aren't as easy as you imagined them." No, you're right. Things aren't that easy if you make it so damn hard. I doubt you get the working of my mind either, or what I think; will be thinking... but I 

feel the need to explain my actions. After all if I can draw conclusions so easily, I can explain how I've drawn them to you, right Shizuru? I feel you accuse me, under those red eyes, and I feel the need to defend myself.

"It seems to happen quite often though." I come up with it, lamely.

"It wasn't the first time." I added. Really, I don't feel like talking to you. Seriously, I want to meet someone new right now. That's my urge, to run and be free. From you.

"And you succeeded to keep this all inside, and explode." I look at your expression, to see anger in it. God why? Battling a slave was less painful and less energy usage than this is.

"I've always kept things inside. Look, I know you're upset, but honestly, I've never said anything because, I don't know how to talk about these things..." Things that bother me, things that make me jealous, especially about you, it gets hard to explain. Because I'm so afraid of you. You're accusing habit. The one that always jumps the guns and blames me before you think about it.

"Yeah, I am upset." You reply. "Because you kept things inside. And in Mai's note, she said she still wants to be friends." What are you talking about? Why is Mai fucking me off now? What fucking right does she have to meddle in my business and ruin my affairs?

"You made us both feel like idiots." Shit, that's harsh Shizuru. I made you feel like an idiot? God damn it woman, I hate it when you blame me. The way you take your anger out on me, is so negative, I really want to break apart from you. I wonder why I asked you out!

Note to oneself: never trust the heart.

"I didn't know how to respond, I was feeling so uncomfortable towards her. She even apologized to you."

Yeah she apologized, on her own free will! Damn you, Mai. I'm going to make your life miserable and wish you never tangled in my business. I told her I still want them to be friends! I can't trust Mai; for fucking up so much. Mai's done it before.

To be honest, I've changed around Shizuru. I don't like arguing with her much, but instead I try to comply with her. Had I been my old self, I would have dissed her off. But I've changed, I acknowledge that. And I don't want to hurt her, as much as she is hurting me right now.

"I told her I didn't care! **That I didn't want to ruin your friendship with her. Mai and I even solved that jealousy problem without her breaking it off from you. **And Mai just proved me exactly why I shouldn't tell anyone anything. Because misunderstandings occur. **Like a broken telephone, you tell someone something, the next person distorts it."**

I can't say how betrayed I feel from Mai. My supposedly best friend betrays me in such a way.

Or could it be Shizuru? Maybe she is distorting the message. I think so. Right now she's so angry; she's not even listening to me.

People do that, when they're mad, they make things that they want to believe. But I know Mai is fucking around, and worse, Shizuru believes her – not me. Damn that hurts. **You're girlfriend believing someone who shouldn't have a say in your relationship.** How sad. How weak of a relationship. I really want some space from her. She's hurt me bad, though I don't show it to her, even now, or maybe she can't see it. Wilfully blind.

"Natsuki" Much calmer, you are now. My face is turned away from you though.

"Mai is your best friend – not mine. Of course she prefers you." Shizuru, this isn't about Mai. It's about you - and me! I want to spend time with you. All the time I can get, I was to spend it with you. Why are you so blind to what I want?

Maybe the truth is you don't want me. After all you're so cheerful with Mai. I can't even do anything to make you happy.

"And the fact that we got closer is because I see her more than I see you." Yes I know, I told Mai that. I wonder if you realized it, or Mai helped you realize it?

But you're much better to Mai than you are to me. Can't you see it?

"She prefers to secure her friendship with you..." This isn't about her, Shizuru. Geez. I'm so tired of Mai and you.

"But you should put people in that kind of situation." My eyes widened slightly. Don't reprimand me. Especially if I feel hurt from you, shouldn't I turn to my "best friend"?

"If something's bother you, than talk." It's so easy to say that. I told you, it's hard for me to talk about these kinds of things to you. It's not easy, telling you I get jealous, or upset. I was to keep peace, not constant destruction.

You wanted peace too right?

I feel so trapped.

"Thank god you released it yesterday. Imagine, if you had kept all that in." I flash you a smile, to ease you. Yet deep inside I'm boiling. I don't need you to lecture me. Truth is, Shizuru, I didn't want you to get involved. I really didn't. That's why I had talked to Mai about it. But it seemed, I couldn't escape this argument now could I?

You don't ever understand.

But I remember what **Mai once said to me**. Something about, if **I gave Shizuru pain, she would want to hurt me back in return.** Mai once said (when I was confessing to Shizuru which took over a period of two days, because I wanted to tease Shizuru a bit before I confessed to her), that she was really scared. 

**Her exact words were "****if a friend of yours is telling me things about revenge". This shocked me. Could Shizuru think of revenge? Is she thinking now of revenge?**** I should apologize. I wouldn't want any of that crap haunting me to my grave.**

"Shizuru, I'm sorry. I didn't want you to get involved and I know right now, you would probably plot something against me."

"Eh?" You sound shocked, with a mixture of surprise. Maybe I shouldn't have been so blunt. But I was never one to use clever words or be indirect.

Maybe I need to explain myself.

"For doing this to you." Uh oh, I seem to have hit something, but it didn't seem like the nail.

"Excuse me?" She sounded angry. Shit, start explaining where that thought came from Natsuki!

"There are lot of things that are going to come out Shizuru. Remember the day I confessed to you?"

"Yeah"

"**Well, Mai told me she was scared. On one side, she faced someone making plans for revenge, and on the other side, was me. Mai wanted me to be more direct with you. I...I really wasn't planning to confess that day, but to put Mai's heart at ease, I did confess."** I exhaled a breath. God that was hard.

"Ohhh, and you were worried about people ignoring you?" Shizuru says in a taunting voice.

"Huh?" I'm lost. Yeah, I did think that.

"And you thought, you were worried about people ignoring you?" You're voice sounds very angry and taunting. Shizuru, why aren't you listening? Why are you taunting me instead?

I've always told myself not to burden others with my problem and to face them alone. Really, I was looking for comfort from Shizuru, but she keeps getting angry. It seems even more lately, that ever since I've asked Shizuru out, she doesn't show me a lot of affections. It hurts a lot, but I never say it to her. I wonder if it would kill her to kiss my cheek or anything like that. But I don't want it to be fake. She used to be more affectionate before. Again, I need to be patient. We're just rebuilding what we had. Or can have.

Yara, Kami-sama, what have I gotten myself into?

Fuck, I can't get out. That's stupid; running away.

Maybe what I say isn't right, but it is the truth. I was trying to be more honest with her, but Shizuru constantly rewards me with her anger...

I don't want to open up to her any more. I just want to stay away.

She causes me pain. The person, who I actually love, causes me pain.

How sad.

"Um, yes" Well, what the hell am I suppose to say? I don't know what to do. I feel so tired. From yesterday, and then Shizuru. Mai wasn't better. She and I had an argument after resolving the "Shizuru/my jealous incident".

"What do I do when I get late responses from Mai?" Uh what?

"And you and Mai were talking and knew everything about the confession?" I groan. No, Shizuru, no. God damn it, why? Okay, why not explain to her? But like the other times I've explained to her, it just didn't work.

"Mai never knew anything! I kept it all away from her! And for her sake, I told her. When she brought you, me and her together to meet, I told her to butt out of my business." I sound desperate now. I don't know what to do. I'm doing so hard to get through to you, Shizuru!

But you're draining my energy.

And soon, I don't think there will be anything left.

This, this is how you felt last week, wasn't it? When we argued and I had hurt you so bad? You tell me, I should recognize my limit, yet you can't recognize your own.

Shizuru looks very angry.

"As for my revenge now, I took mine, while making you wait a bit." I'm lost. Why would you take revenge and when?

"What a complete monster of me." Shizuru says sarcastically. Is she mocking me? Can't she understand me? I feel so hopeless.

"A girl seeking revenge. Seems like I do it on a weakly basis." Torn, desperate, I don't know what more to do to make you understand, Shizuru!

I can feel a sting in my eyes. I'm going to cry...

But not in front of her.

**Never in front of Shizuru.**

**I won't ever make myself weak in front of her.**

Because tears are signs of weakness. Why should I show someone my weakness when they're the ones withering me to my fragile state?

I don't care how much you want to see me weak, Shizuru. I don't care if that would bond us closer.

**Never you. **

Not **the one** who could bring me to this state...

Never shall that person see me at my weakest.

"So why doesn't Shizuru want to take revenge now?" I don't feel my voice. I've lost it. I don't see a point to use it with someone like you.

But still, there's hope still left in me. Will you shatter that too?

"No..." I finally say. It seems to have caught your attention, because you allow me to speak.

"No, no, no! That's not what I said." I can hold back my tears. They wouldn't come out yet.

"**All Mai told me was that you were plotting revenge. She told me to be careful because Mai doesn't know who would protect me with all the pain I give you; you'd obviously want to take it out right?"**

"Plotting?" Shizuru echoes. Shit! Again, I've hit something other than the nail!

You won't listen. You don't any more. I'm so tired of you.

"Yep, it took me all day" Sarcasm. I hate it.

Congratulations Shizuru. You have shattered my last hope.

I sighed. I didn't want to talk any more. I just wanted to be left alone. I feel so lifeless.

"I took my revenge, as you call it, by making my reply to your question late for one day" My eyes couldn't loose any more shine then they have. I think they just lost some though.

I tried explaining again, but it didn't seem to diffuse her anger.

Maybe I'm seeing this wrong. I should ask her what's making her so mad at me.

"Shizuru, what are you angry about?" Hopefully I'll get a proper answer.

"You" She says bluntly. Damn it. Well it's a start.

"What about me?" I keep my voice even. Not allowing it to falter. Not allowing you to see through my weakness.

"You, keeping things inside, Mai's note, your behaviour yesterday, thinking you're the only one sacrificing things and protecting yourself from me, from taking some revenge on you."

I'm speechless and amused.

"And this is where misunderstandings sprout..." I wasn't protecting myself from revenge. It's what Mai told me. You don't fucking understand!

"What misunderstanding?"

" '_You're the only one sacrificing things and protecting yourself from me, from taking some revenge on you_.' That's what you said right? All I did Shizuru, was listen to Mai's warning."

"Without really asking me if it's true" Oh my fucking god. Weren't you the one who believed Mai's note, and got angry at me? You never asked me if it was true. You asked my side, but you got so angry, that you never saw it.

"Is it?" I snap back. I hope not.

"Geez!" Shizuru says exasperated.

"What?"

"How could you ever think I could hurt you?"

Oh that's funny. You know what Mai also told me? Mai told me about last week's incident. How you wanted to "kill me off". Figurative language, heh. Yeah, I know things that you say Shizuru, I never say it to you, but I know.

You were never one to understand.

"Do you trust me that much?" Shizuru asked. I look up and watch her.

This was never about trust Shizuru. You never trusted me either than, if this is about trust.

Let me say what message I got from Mai.

"**It was a warning, for me to be careful to not hurt you any more."**

"_**how can you make a relationship with someone you think is going take 'revenge' on you?" Shizuru asks. **_

_**Really I'm tired of talking.**_

"**Revenge wasn't even present, when I asked you out Shizuru, I asked you out because I felt strongly for you!"**

**I can't be more truthful than that. That's the truth Shizuru.**

**But times like these, when you hurt me so much, I wonder, do I love you that much to bear this?**

Shizuru looks at me blankly. Shit! This is ending bad!

"I don't have anything to say to you"

I smile slightly. When a realization hit me.

"The more I try to not hurt you, the more I end up doing."

The more I try to make you happy, the sadder you are.

This relationship is a curse, isn't it?

You loved me. Past tense.

I love you. Present tense.

"Try to be a helmet for the next time. _**Now I shall go and plot something to occupy myself.**_

Oh fuck, I know what's going to happen next. You're going to walk away.

Walk away.

NO!

Talk this out with me! Don't walk away from me!

SHIZURU!

"No!"

Shizuru starts walking. I can't move.

"Shizuru..." What can I say to make you stay??

But you keep walking away. I feel so helpless.

"Shizuru, please don't!"

And you're gone. There is no more of the Graceful Amethyst.

Only a fragrance of yours remains.

I crumble back. Tears finally roll out.

Sometimes Shizuru, I feel this emotion so strongly for you.

It's an irony, and oxymoron to how I've recently felt for you.

But when you hurt me so, I can't help but feel it even more.

I hate you.


End file.
